Struggling to Make New Friends? Here’s the Secret to Having Those First Conversations
Making friends when you are a kid seems so simple. But the older we get, the more that making friends becomes a little more of a challenge. And after college, friendships require more intentionality then ever before.
After I graduated from Washburn University, all the things I shared with those around me — college living, similar class schedules and a shared school spirit — disappeared when I moved to Kansas City. I had never been more stressed about making friends before. Then, when I added in trying to balance a new marriage, new job, and a new home, I was left questioning everything as I tried to meet new people. I wondered if I would ever have friends to bond with during this new time of my life.
In those first getting-to-know-you conversations, it can be easy to avoid asking questions and just talk about yourself. After all, if you ask too many questions, you’ll come off as nosy or make the other person feel like they’re being interrogated, right? But a Harvard study showed people like getting to know you better when you let them do most of the talking — in other words, the more questions you ask in those initial conversations, the more of a good impression you’ll make.
Current research on how to form new friendships has focused on the idea of responsiveness, which is a set of behaviors that address the needs and desire of the other person in conversation. When we feel like someone is responsive towards us, we like that person. Responsiveness has three components — understanding, validation, and care.
In their study, Karen Huang and her Harvard colleagues realized that asking questions encompasses all three of the characteristics of responsiveness in conversation. When someone expresses their interest or passions in a conversation, the best way to understand them further is to ask questions. By asking follow-up questions, you’re able to validate their thoughts and opinions. Finally, genuine questions show that you care about the person and their opinions.
“Across three studies of live dyadic conversations,” Huang wrote, “we identified a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking: people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
If you’re struggling to make friends as an adult, you’re not alone. Here are three tips to improve your responsive skills and get to know the new people in your life better!