This isn't the Mother's Day I expected.

This wasn't how I was expecting to spend mother's day.

I was hoping that mother's day would be full of smiles and laughter.

I was hoping that mother's day would find me with a little person steadily growing inside of me.

But instead I'm dreading mother's day. We lost Marion just 45 days ago, but it feels like it's been years. Mother's day will be a holiday that will never be celebrated like I'd prayed and hoped for - with all of our littles around us here on earth. 

I desperately wish I could go back to the way things were before we sat in that hospital room, crying. 

I never got to watch my body grow as Marion grew inside of me. But I watched my heart grow full to bursting with how much love I have for that sweet boy. 

I never got to hold Marion in my arms or smell that sweet baby smell in his hair. But I know the Blessed Mother is watching over him for me right now and holding on to him so tightly. 

I love someone who never got the chance to be born - he left this world when he was just the size of a sweet-pea.  But his little size doesn't change my love for him. One day, I'm going to celebrate Mother's Day in Heaven. And, oh, what a joy-filled moment that will be. 

"When I closed the eyes of my dear little children and when I buried them, I felt great pain, but it was always with resignation. I didn’t regret the sorrows and the problems I had endured for them. Several people said to me, ‘It would be better to never have had them.’ I can’t bear that kind of talk. I don’t think the sorrows and problems could be weighed against the eternal happiness of my children. So they weren’t lost forever. Life is short and full of misery. We’ll see them again in Heaven. Above all, it was on the death of my first child that I felt more deeply the happiness of having a child in Heaven, for God showed me in a noticeable way that He accepted my sacrifice. Through the intercession of my little angel, I received a very extraordinary grace." - Saint Zelie Martin, mother of Saint Therese of Lisieux. 

I never thought Mother's Day could be hurt this much. But now in a sweet-pea sized way, I know. I know how heart-wrenching this day can be. If you're like I am this mother's day, with your little person cheering you on from Heaven, you're not alone.  Nothing can ever change the fact that you're a mom.